A Vicious Circle
by The Sacred Pandapuff
Summary: It was his heart at stake here, no, BOTH of their hearts, and if L was to mess it up he would never be able to forgive himself. BxL, oneshot, based on Bloody Kisses, Strawberry Smiles.


**A/N:** Umm... uhh... Yeah?

I've been having a MAJOR writer's block for almost half a year! Can you believe that?! It's been killing me! So first of all, I want to apologize for the possible _horrible_ quality of this one-shot. I couldn't get many things to work out or in there like I wanted and it's just been very challenging after not writing anything for so long... Heh... I'm quite rusted I guess.

But I have other things to say about this piece of work as well!

Some of you who are familiar with a BxL story "Bloody Kisses, Strawberry Smiles" by LightofaThousandSuns might know, that the writer (catqueen911 in deviantART, a very dear friend of mine with writer's skills and ideas that I'm envious of! Check her out!) has put up a contest - to write our own ending for her story. This is my entry piece. Because I thought that even with a crappy work, it'd be a great honor to write something based on her brilliant story!

**Based on LightofaThousandSuns's story Bloody Kisses, Strawberry Smiles and won't make much sense unless you've read it! **Well, it could make sense, it's not that tied to it... but just so you know, in the ending of it Beyond and L end up being together and they go to stay at Wammy's House for a while... Well, that's all you really need to know to understand this. Ok, it makes sense. XD Nevermind.

**Warnings:** Suicide, death, insanity... uhh... that's it?  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Death note or Death Note: Another Note: The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases, nor do I own Bloody Kisses, Strawberry Smiles.

* * *

**A VICIOUS CIRCLE**

* * *

**  
**

_Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all._

- William Goldman, "The Princess Bride"

* * *

Icy flakes of snow floated from the midnight-blue sky, performing their graceful dance for the audience that had closed its eyes to enjoy a show from behind their eyelids, breathing evenly and peacefully while diving into the fantasies of their own mind that had a way of proving creativity on a level that was unreachable during day-time.

For Beyond Birthday, it was almost as if the chilly powder blue walls would've been radiating the winter's cooled temperature right to his skin and bones. His eyes were open, eyelids drooping in a sleepy manner, covering half of his hazy stare as he faced the window. He was in a rather odd position, one that not every human being, or any being for that matter, would consider even _quite_ comfortable. His back was curved backwards so that he was leaning to his lover's stomach, knees bent to his right side, arms wrapped around his torso. He was able to feel just how alive L really was, with his pulse and lung-functioning feeling through his stomach.

Not that he minded. It was quite calming, just to know that even though the older male had silenced for a few moments that Beyond could be thankful of, he was still alive and, if bothered, kicking.

Beyond wrapped his blanket better on, cursing silently for it not being thick enough to keep him warm during the cold, winter nights. He kept watching the snowflake parade from inside, letting his head lean to his right shoulder tiredly, listening to the humming sounds of the working laptops on the floor. It had been a lonely night yet again, one of the sleepless ones he faced every now and then, first managing to lull L to a few hour sleep and then just lying there as sleep refused to come for longer that fifteen minute periods of time. And then L would wake up and he would pretend to be asleep as his lover lied on his side, sometimes gently stroking his hair, sometimes leaning against his skin for warmth his own body wasn't quite able to produce.

That damn diet of his was to blame, thought B grumpily and rubbed his eyes, circled with a shade of ashen black. L might've been physically fine and eating like an orthorexic if cookies would count as vegetables, sugar cubes bread and cake a proper meal. Or maybe not, then he'd probably count as a binge eater. Anyway, his intake of… nutrition that his body was crying out for in desperation was tragically low. And it was messing with his system, Beyond could tell from the icy cold hands and feet thanks to tricky blood-circulation and the horrible condition of his hair and nails. Not to mention his sugar rushes and irregular sleeping.

Beyond sighed and pulled himself upwards a bit, making sure he made as little noise as possible, for even though L did sleep a few hours per night, he was a pretty damn light sleeper and could be alerted if B even dared to set even a toe on the floor. And one thing that B desired was just a few hours of an unconscious L. Because when L was unconscious, he wasn't much of a disappointer. He couldn't disappoint, because there were no expectations. There were no light and loving touches and small whispers to one other, everything following B's lead as he tried to lull a confession out of his lovely raven.

Just a simple "I love you". Three words. Eight letters. How fucking hard could that be? _I love you_. See? Not hard at all! Then _why_ was it taking so fucking long? They had already been together for what could count as an eternity for B, but not once, _not once_, as he tried to lead their conversations and situations to the perfect time for L to say those words…. they just never came out. And he would break the awkward silence with a light kiss and a faked smile, saying the words himself. _I love you_. _I love you so much_._ You don't have to say it yet_.

But oh, he _did_.

He _did _have to start spitting those words out at him, let it be in a throw of tantrum, cry of fear, murmur of love, scream of ecstasy, whisper of disappointment… Hell, B didn't give a shit anymore, all he knew was that he needed to hear those words, he needed them directed at him, coming from that pretty mouth of L's, dancing on his pale lips and coming out as syllables almost as if from a song much more beautiful that B had ever known.

But no.

It had started to be almost as if L had decided to never, ever say those words at him. And all B could do was blame himself. He should've demanded to hear them right from the very beginning. No, maybe not from the _very_ beginning, but pretty soon after it anyway. Because now B could see where the problem was rising from.

L was getting so used to _not_ saying them, to having time, maybe for the whole eternity ahead, that he wasn't feeling any need to say them. When a perfect moment came, well, there would surely come another perfect moment. He just _did not say them_. Maybe he was thinking he could get away from saying them just like that. Maybe he was planning on saying them at the close of their eternity.

But what he did not know, was that B was a very impatient person, and his idea of an eternity certainly didn't match L's in this situation. He needed to know that he was loved and appreciated, that he wasn't just being played around like a loyal dog left out in the rain. He didn't like that.

Yet he followed L around like a small puppy, not enjoying the environment he was in, not the way L acted towards him at times, nor the people he had to get along with or the way he was supposed to act. To just suppress it all and leave everything back while walking in this house of nightmares. Leave who he was and what he had gone through to the hollow and torturous memories that fought their way into his dreams again now that he had to face the old scenery from day to day.

B got a sudden urge to sit up straight, and giving into it he straightened his legs and raised his upper body from L's, rubbing his neck. L twitched at his side and his eyes snapped open.

"Beyond? Did I oversleep?" he asked as he sat up with his batteries loaded, the white of his eyes barely visible in the dark room. B shook his head. L gave him an asking look.

"I just woke up, that's all", he answered and without fully facing L lied back down again with his back towards his lover who was now rubbing his lip with a thoughtful look in his eyes. After some time he covered B with his own blankets and slipped out of the bed.

"L, where are you going? It's four in the morning. Come back to bed", B muttered, his body exhausted and unmoving on the expensive mattress. L stopped and turned to look at him, cocking his head slightly.

"I don't really feel sleepy anymore, and since you're awake too" – an angry groan from B – "I was thinking of getting some breakfast. You do know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?"

"Not if it consists of a cup of coffee with eight added cubes of sugar and two big slices of cake", B answered, his eyes closed. "And your munching and walking around doesn't really help me sleep…"

"But surely you have already slept enough? It's four a.m., Beyond. I remember you forcing me in that bed at ten", L asked cheerfully as he opened a small mini-fridge from across the room and pulled one of the laptops from the floor closer to him, typing something with the keyboard. "Jam?"

_So much for any sleep tonight._

"Sure. I don't care about the flavour; just give me the one with the biggest value of added sugar."

* * *

L Lawliet was not an ordinary man.

For one, he was a genius. And he had lived up to it, earning the title of world's best detective, three of the best to be exact, all to himself. Since he had been a young teen-ager, he had been solving cases far more complex and cruel than many of his age would even be exposed to in television. The trauma of his past had controlled his mental growth and personality, making him isolate himself from the world around him and avoid facing things he rather kept in the back of his head by focusing on other matters at his hands. He looked at pictures of rape and torture through his analogical eyes and washed the acidic taste that rose to his throat down with a nice slice of sugary cake.

That of him, of course, could count as normal. In the messed up cases. Not in the ordinary, happy and lively human beings.

But even though some of L Lawliet's humanity had been lost and hidden as the years had passed him by, he was still without a doubt just a human. A human with flaws, emotions, addictions and necessities.

One thing close to him that actually fit in every one of those categories would be a very particular scarred raven with his bones sharply dominating his deathly skeletal-like figure. The man that had gone through so much during his short life that L doubted his eyes could ever drop their haunted expression.

L sighed as he washed his face with cool water and dried it with a soft, white towel, reaching for his shirt to pull it on to protect his bare chest from the cool air. He sat down to the toilet seat and buried his face in his hands, breathing slowly to calm himself down.

B had been feeling very distant lately.

L wasn't surprised, he wasn't a stupid man. He knew very well that he was causing unneeded tension in their relationship and was forcing B to have doubts about L's love. For all the younger male knew, this could all be an act just to keep him under L's grip, behaving well while being locked up at his childhood's mansion of horrors, The Wammy's House. L knew it was a lot to ask for B to stay in there, but at least he had had the decency to pick them a room as far from B's former dormitories and make sure that it was spacious, quiet and as different as possible from the usual Wammy's residences' bedrooms. He was trying so hard to make B feel comfortable and open his eyes to realise how much though, effort and love he put in everything he did for the man, but he knew that B's doubts came from the simple lack of three unquestionably important words that were the only thing L simply failed to do for B.

As for why L wasn't able to say them… well… he wasn't really sure of it.

He cursed under his breath and stood up grumpily, left the black-tiled bathroom behind to return to their residence a few doors to the right. He stepped in and felt a shiver run up his spine.

"B! Why is the window open? You know the heating system won't work well if you let the cold air in", he said as he stepped further in to see B with his hand out of the window, catching snowflakes with his long and slender pianist fingers, an empty expression on his face and eyes glazed over. B turned to him and seemed to snap out of it slightly.

"I'm sorry, it seems like I've failed to take that into account. They were just so tempting… first-snow…"

B quieted down and pulled his hand back in, turning back to look at the falling snow, their silhouette painted in his coal-dark eyes, now seeming as fragile and human as they possibly could without the sharp, dominating ruby that usually took over, creating a wall between B and normal mortals. L walked over to close the window and kissed B's now wet and cold hand. He smiled softly and pulled B in a rocky hug, taking in the scent of B's hair.

_I love you._

It would've been easy to just simply blurt that out right there and then, reward B's impatient waiting, but the words failed to come out. Instead, he found himself looking into B's eyes and caressing his hair lovingly.

Because all the relationships that B had ever managed to hold onto were the ones that mentally abused him to the core, and L was afraid that if he was ever going to take his chance at breaking that pattern, he might as well find himself sitting all alone on his bed.

Because if Beyond would ever know how much L loved him, it might as well be the end of their tragic tale.

Beyond turned to the window again and put his hand on the cold glass, looking outside in awe.

"…Do you believe in ghosts, L?" he asked, his voice steady but not louder than a small whisper. L shrugged.

"Not really. Do you?"

"…I believe that they never leave us alone", B said, his eyes staring somewhere into the distance through the falling snow, "They'll always have their way of getting back to us, let it be out of love or fury."

And sometimes L found himself wondering if the ticking numbers were the only thing that B was able to witness through his eyes blessed by the gods of death.

* * *

B's whole body jolted up painfully and he barely managed to hold back a loud cry as tears fell from his eyes. He swallowed hard for a few times and glanced at L by his side, who miraculously hadn't woken up. He turned his face to look straight forward, his breathing ragged.

"_I'm sorry I put you through that, B. It was never my intention."_

"Don't mention it, A", B whispered silently as he wiped his tears and looked at the young boy who was sitting in one of L's armchairs, hugging his knees. "I know you never meant for me to find you."

The young boy shrugged and stood up, a thick string tied around his bruised neck. He walked over to B and sat at the edge of his bed, but B didn't feel the mattress sink.

"_You do know that I'm not really here, right?"_ the boy said, looking out of the window. It was still snowing, but the boy didn't seem cold even though his skin had a blue tint on it and his lips were chapped and violet. B nodded. _"Then why do you think I am in here?"_ the boy went on, now turning to B.

"Because I'm back in here again", B said. "Because you've been in my thoughts lately."

"_No. It's because you refuse to face what happened back then and how big of an effect it has on you"_, the boy said, brushing his dirty blonde hair back. He stood up and walked over to a chair and started to tie the string to a hook in the ceiling. _"You need to face things, Beyond. Because if you don't, you will push everyone around you away and you will die all alone like me."_

The blood froze in B's veins.

"That's what I've gotten ready to do since you died", he hissed back.

"_It's not nice to die all alone, B"_, A said and his icy breath rose goose bumps on B's skin. His eyes pierced B's as they turned black and haunted, the expression from his face turning to scared and haunted as he tightened to noose. _"The nightmares never end. And trust me; dreams of dying aren't as sweet as they seem. They're filled with lies. Because after death, you have to face everything for the _actual_ eternity ahead of you."_

And A jumped and kicked the chair away from himself. B was shaking uncontrollably and tears rose to his eyes as he watched his friend die all over again.

A's eyes lost focus but his hand rose and pointed at B weakly.

"_You're next."_

B looked down and saw that the mattress was covered in blood. Its scent ran up his nose and he felt colder than ever before.

A scream escaped his swollen lips as he fell down and prepared himself to die.

Instead, he woke up to stare at a hook in the ceiling, barely visible in the dark room. He cursed and turned to curl himself up against his lover and tried to forget the look in A's eyes as he took his own life.

_That damned hook_, he thought and wrapped his arms around L's lithe body and buried his face in his neck.

"_It's not nice to die all alone, B."_

Beyond gasped in surprise and pulled his sheets over his head to prevent him from seeing anything unpleasant for the rest of the night.

* * *

Beyond was scanning an old painting of the French Revolution with his arms crossed. He was chewing his reddening lip as L walked next to him.

"What do you think?" L asked. Beyond turned his stare away from the painting and walked over to pull some china vases from carton boxes and placed them neatly on a mahogany table. He leaned to it and motioned for L to come closer. The older man's lips were drawn into a warm smile as he came over and let B put his hands loosely over his shoulders.

"I think it looks fine, though my artistic eye is trained to see beauty in other things. So I really don't think you should ask me. If you'd let me choose, this room could turn into a stinking pit with candles and old, dusty bookcases." L kept smiling as he shook his head.

"I doubt Wammy would approve it. This room is for the children, it should be a peaceful and quiet place where they can come to relax and maybe read a good book. Not Beyond Birthday's warehouse where he likes to hold his attractions."

"Well… you did make the decoration breathtaking…" B purred to his lover's ear. L kissed him and softly brushed his cheeks, making B relax and close his eyes in exhaustion.

"You have dark eye bags", L stated, cocking his head slightly. "And I could swear that you've been sleeping very irregularly since we got here. Are you stressed?"

B groaned and looked away with a pout on his face. "I've just had a lot on my mind…"

"B…" L sighed as B sat on the table, looking at him defensively. He inhaled slowly as he sat next to the younger male and started petting his hair. "If it's this place, just say it, alright? Because if this place is damaging your mental stability we can leave. No, we _should_ leave. I don't want to strain you too hard, I know this is all new to you and –"

"It's not all that knew, it's very much like before. With the exception that I have you now and I _can_ lock myself away from everyone's judging stares", B interrupted. "I can do this, L. I'll show you."

"You don't have to prove me your strength, Beyond. I've come to realise that everyone has their weak points and… well… this place… it's just not good for you, B. I can see its effect on you. And when you combine that with the stress I'm giving you" – B grunted – "it can very easily go overboard. So if you want to change location, just say it."

B picked up a crystal figurine of a swan to his hands and watched the spectrum's reflection before turning to face L again.

"You would never intentionally hurt me. Not without a good reason. So I can bear with it." He smiled sadly and put the swan in L's hands, curling his fingers around it. "You're too kind to hurt me."

"I would never hurt you if I could help it, Beyond", L stated strongly. "You know how I feel about you. I would never be capable of doing such thing… not anymore."

"I love you, L", B said. "I'm counting on you."

"I know", L whispered back. "I know you are. And I'm going to make it all OK, just give me a bit more time. I'll make it all okay."

A tired, twisted smile rose to B's lips as he turned to look at the ceiling, a low chuckle rising from his throat.

"Oh, but L… you can't save a monster."

"But I can save a human", L said strongly and turned B's face to him. "And that's something that I'm very good at. So don't give up on me just yet."

B sighed, his smile dropping. He bit his lip, eyes glanced over as he fell deep into his thoughts. "The devils are talking to me. They're trying to come and get me, waiting for me to break and manipulating every thought that comes to my head."

L stared at him with a dumb-founded look on his face, unable to think of anything to change.

And Beyond closed his eyes again and let a crooked smile rise on his lips.

"I think this room could use a few armchairs. I always wished we'd have more of those when we were young."

L's grip around the crystal swan tightened and instead of putting it on the table he slipped it in his pocket.

For B's love for him could be contained in its innocent and pure form, staying as a symbol and reminding L from day to day how much B needed him and how he really had to start gathering courage to tell B how he had taken over his heart and thoughts and ripped him from the safety of isolation.

It was his heart at stake here, no, _both_ of their hearts, and if L was to mess it up he would never be able to forgive himself.

* * *

B was walking in the alleyway. It was a rocky road and the scenery that was breathtakingly beautiful during summertime with fields of flowers that had a wide variety of colours. He could remember warm summer breezes and sitting under an apple tree, enjoying a glass of fresh water with lemon slices. He could remember sitting there in the shadow, watching as other children sprang and played in the summer heat.

He brushed it off and kept walking, rubbing his cold hands together, remembering how cold it actually was outside. It still hadn't stopped snowing and the first-snow on the ground was very light and made a quiet 'poof' sound as he stepped on it. It reminded him of powder; it was light but it covered the whole ground without leaving anything of the true surface visible. He shook his head and carried on, wiping his wet face as the snowflakes had melted on it.

He put his hand in his pocket and let his hand curl around a small, silky box nervously. He wasn't really sure what he was doing, not with that voice in the back of his head. He just tried to fight it… yet he had started to realise that there wasn't really a clear path with doing that.

"_You going to ask him to marry you?"_ A said, walking next to him. He was almost twenty centimetres shorter than B and still had his childish features. His feet weren't sinking in the snow – he was gracefully prancing on it like he wouldn't have weighed more than a feather, ready for the wind to carry him away. B kept his cool.

"That's the plan. He has to know that I'm serious", he said stubbornly as he kept walking forward, pulling his hand out of his pocket.

A had an expressionless mask on his face, eyes black like painted with ink. He sprang forward, a hollow laughter ringing in the air. B kept walking and cursed for the heavy snowing that damaged his vision in the dark. After a while A ran back to him.

"_But B, I don't think you're ready to propose him just yet. You wouldn't want to cause damage to him by revealing how big mess you are. Because if you let him that close, he will figure it out. Don't you think you should fix yourself first?"_

"First you told me that I shouldn't give up on him because I'd die alone –!"

"_Tsk, tsk, tsk! _First_ I told you to face things and deal with them. Maybe you didn't hear me clearly."_

"There's nothing to face", B said stubbornly as he kept walking forward, refusing to look at the blonde boy catching snowflakes next to him. "You were my best friend. My life was pretty much build around you. And then you took your life after our fight and I found your body. It messed me up. That's it. I know it's driven me mad… But I think that L can save me."

"_No one can save you, B."_

_Don't listen to him, B_, he told himself and closed his eyes. _He's just messing with you._

"_Death is so lonely"_, A said, a hint of sorrow in his voice. _"Sometimes I wish… that we both would've died so that I wouldn't have ruined the rest of your life… It was a selfish thing to do."_

"Wishing that I was dead too is also a very selfish thing to wish. And I still have hope with my life. Hope, A… I… I haven't felt hope in years. It's always been so painful. But now… it's… I can't explain it. I have something to live for, I guess. I don't need you. I'm not dependent on you anymore."

"_I know that"_, A said quietly. _"Do you remember what I said the last time?"_

B opened his eyes and looked at A, growling to himself. "How could I possibly forget…"

And then he felt something hit him hard. He felt his bones shattering and the oxygen left his lungs. He couldn't even scream out of pain, all he could realise was that everything was turning to black very quickly.

A walked over to him and watched a man getting out of the car, rushing over to B in horror and trying to reach his cellphone. He walked over slowly and kneeled down, sat on the powdered snow and threw some of it in the air, letting it fall on his face before wiping it off. He smiled sweetly as he spotted a silver ring in the snow.

"…_It's a shame. It was such a beautiful ring"_, he stated sorrowfully.

B lost consciousness, horror starting to creep to his shocked mind… and the last sight he saw was a small boy blowing snow into the air and giggling out of joy as he carried on with his childish plays.

…_But he had tens of years left, then… then why… _why…

And Beyond Birthday died as the numbers above his head ran out – and all he could think of was that his love had betrayed him.

What he didn't know, was that a crystal swan would be gently placed above his grave and his love would swear for eternal love with a tear-stained face.

* * *

"_I love you__, L."_

"I love you too…"

A slurred and pained whisper as L shifted and leaned to the soft wall. Everything in his mind was blurred and the blinding lights were giving him a migraine. His throat was dry and he wished he would have a nice cup of coffee to drink, it could make everything clearer…

B smiled to him shyly and scratched his neck, head bend down slightly.

"_Don't worry Lawli, I'm not going anywhere. We still have the whole eternity to spend together. Even death won't do us apart."_

L let out a content whimper.

"…How long until I can come to you..? It's so lonely in here…"

His voice was just a tired murmur in the empty room.

"_Sixty-four years more, Lawli. Just sixty-four years."_

And L Lawliet let out an insane laugh that echoed from the soft walls and yanked at his arms that were wrapped tightly at place by the strait-jacket he was wearing.

Sixty-four years.

Damn you for dying, Kira. Cheating death a bit didn't really sound all that bad…

"Well, as long as you know that I love you, I guess it's okay", he said, a crooked smile on his lips. "As long as you know that I love you and wait for me."

"_I'm not going anywhere, Lawli"_, Beyond repeated and his lifeless orbs turned to L. _"I'm not going anywhere."_

For he wasn't a haunted soul or a ghost trapped and unable to move on – he was L Lawliet's own personal nightmare that would haunt him for the whole eternity ahead that he had to live.

Hallucinations had never seemed so much fun.

* * *

_And I find it kind of funny__  
__I find it kind of sad__  
__The dreams in which in dying__  
__Are the best I've ever had__  
__I find it hard to tell you__  
__I find it hard to take__  
__When people run in circles__  
__It's a very very,__  
__mad world, mad world_

_- _Adam Lambert, "Mad World"

* * *

**A/N: **Aaaand... the end!

YES, I just HAD to put L in there. And the hallucinating. And all that sort of crap. I'm a sucker, this was supposed to have a happy ending and be quite a lovely and sweet and happy story but... uhh... I fell back to my old routes. **XD** I'm a sucker for tragedy, angst and insanity. I apologize.

I found the idea of a vicious circle very interesting. A died and the loss of him threw B to the edge. I think it has had a major influence over his personality... Mere eyes just can't make a person so twisted, there must lie a bigger trauma. And then... as B wasn't really sane... and he died... and then it happened all over again with L, who now wasn't able to survive without B anymore and felt guilty for never telling him that he loved him.

Interesting, ne? Or maybe not. I don't know.

Still... if you haven't read **Bloody Kisses, Strawberry Smiles**, DO IT NOW. Or read other work from the author... she never fails to impress.

That's it for this time! Thank you for reading, reviews are loved!


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